The MuchLoved Community Homepage
Forum Home Forum Home » A place to talk with other MuchLoved members » Dealing with the loss of your Partner
  New Posts New Posts RSS Feed: Blowing off steam
  FAQ FAQ  Forum Search   Calendar   Register Register  Login Login

Blowing off steam

 Post Reply Post Reply Page  <12
Author
Message
IanH View Drop Down
Moderator Group
Moderator Group
Avatar

Joined: 04 May 2009
Location: Coulsdon,UK
Posts: 492
Post Options Post Options   Quote IanH Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Blowing off steam
    Posted: 21 Apr 2012 at 10:22am
Hi Sue, Hi Anne,
                       as you both say......YUK, the start of another long, empty weekend.
When Wend was here I looked forward to our weekends together as we would always do something or go somewhere. Now, it's an effort to even get myself out of the house for a while to walk the dog. Still, at least that does get me out, if only for a short while.
Isn't it strange how similar we all are. Sue, I read of your 'shrine' to Andrew. Well in my lounge, I have two pictures of Wend on the coffee table with an arrangement of white silk roses and I light a candle to her every evening. When she was here and we would visit a church or Cathedral, we would always light a candle for our Mums and Dads. Now I light one for her. I never miss a day. Even when I go away I light candles for her every day as well.
It doesn't matter what other people think Sue. If it gives us comfort, that is all that is important. 
Have a peaceful weekend Sue and Anne,
God Bless,
Ian x
           
I love you with all my heart my darling, today, tomorrow and always, your loving husband, Ian XX

My Tribute to Wend



Back to Top
sueblue View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 16 Dec 2011
Location: hertfordshire
Posts: 129
Post Options Post Options   Quote sueblue Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Apr 2012 at 6:43pm
Yes, we are all the same in this club nobody wants to belong to.  I often mention posts that I read on ML , I say' my friends put a lovely post on' - and the people I am telling usually look puzzled and say 'Where did you meet them ? '   When I say on the internet they usually look at me in a sort of sad way as if you were all pretend, which you most certainly are not.

I really dont know what I would do without your replies, I know I can say exactly what I am feeling , get it out of my system.  Talking of which, I have had a miserable 'head' all day.  I was worrying as I found a leak under the kitchen sink.  It wasnt that bad but I dont like anything to do with water.   I have taped the joint up with some white tape that I know Andrew used on taps and also got some silicone sealant and hopefully that will do it.  I called it a few names and then sulked for a bit.  I was watching the football and got fed up so I thought I would talk to the people who understand the best , so here I am.
love to you all, Sue

Excerpt from book Healing after Loss:
I will embrace my life, all of it.  If there are changes for the better that I can make, I will try to make them. Where I cannot, I will accept that, too.  But - even if I could-
I will never forget my pain.  I will honour it.  It is part of who I am.
Back to Top
Me of We View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 29 Feb 2012
Location: Pennsylvania US
Posts: 43
Post Options Post Options   Quote Me of We Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Apr 2012 at 9:21pm
Sue,
    You have such a great sense if humor...just the right touch for those of us greiving together. I keep checking back because a post from any of our ML " loss of partner" friends keeps me going....I was determined to do better this weekend but now I don't care...It is what it is!...I straightened up a bit and moved a FEW things around...cleaned some things...Charles had such a fit when I would clean on the weekend because he couldn't do much to help. I found some of his shirts and burried my face in them and cried. Then I sat in the train room again and cried some more. Then I decided to go out for a bit so where did I go??? Well of course, to a store that he and I liked to go to about 45 minutes away...so yep more tears, but they come anyway and have their own schedule so it really doesn't matter what I do. I've been sulking also or rather I have taken up a new sulking procedure...when I read the obituaries, I instantly do the math and figure up how many years longer most people got to live than Charles. It is really not a productive thing to do...OK... I'll work on it ..but not right away. I still silently "age" couples I see out in public...and silently think "not fair! not fair!" I certainly couldn't admit THAT to anyone other than those here on ML. Thanks for letting me blow off steam and for OUR version of comic relief!
Hope your pipes stopped leaking.
Anne
Back to Top
KevF View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 27 Jun 2007
Posts: 1572
Post Options Post Options   Quote KevF Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Apr 2012 at 1:03am
Hi Sue and all

Just looking back to your comment about someone who hadn't seen you in years making a disparaging remark about your appearance.

This happened to me a little while back.I have to admit that I have put on a lot of weight, mainly because I spend so much time on my own these days I think.

Well I ran into a chap I hadn't seen in years, someone I used to work with and whom I had always liked a great deal because he was such a nice person.

Within a few moments of meeting he said "Gawd you've put some weight on" and grinned at me as if I should welcome a remark like that.

It completely killed the conversation because I just thought "well stuff you then" and lost all interest in talking to him. 

The fact is that I know I have put weight on (my doctors keep having a go about it for one thing)
and I don't really need someone to point it out to me verbally, and I would have thought he might have something a bit more friendly to say after not seeing me for so many years.

It actually made a big depression in what had been a pleasant day up until then.

Why some people think it's perfectly alright to make offensive remarks is beyond me.





Edited by KevF - 26 Apr 2012 at 1:11am
Ne'er weep for me my beloved one. I am the wind that ruffles you hair on a breezy day. I am the sunlight filling your eyes when you smile.I am here with you all the time my love. I am with you.
Back to Top
sueblue View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 16 Dec 2011
Location: hertfordshire
Posts: 129
Post Options Post Options   Quote sueblue Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Apr 2012 at 9:21am
Too true, Kev.  The thing is the guy that made the remark to me was no George Clooney.  If I hadnt been behind the till in Oxfam I would have said something.  It probably would have brought me down to his level, but , boy, would I have felt better.  It is so hurtful and as you say can spoil a day when you are pegging along at a reasonable rate.  Andrew always said to me to 'count to ten' before I said anything .....  I am trying to do that now but it is hard.
Thinking of you all out there as always,
Suex 

Back to Top
KevF View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 27 Jun 2007
Posts: 1572
Post Options Post Options   Quote KevF Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 May 2012 at 1:27am
Hi Sue

I know what you mean - usually we think of something we would have liked to have said afterwards.

Maybe it's good that we don't think of these replies at the time though - as you say we might just make ourselves look a bit petty and bring us down to their level.

Counting to ten is probably a good idea (like most of these maxims we hear from people over the years - they are usually based on good sound common sense)

But not as a friend of mine once said when I advised him to "count to ten before you say or do anything" - he said "what and then hit 'em?"......lol

And I have to say that I think George Clooney would be far too classy a guy to make hurtful remarks like that.

And did you know that his Aunt was that great singer Rosemary Clooney? (Sorry - like most men I am a big fan of trivia and retaining totally useless knowledge.....:0)

Kev xx








Edited by KevF - 03 May 2012 at 1:32am
Ne'er weep for me my beloved one. I am the wind that ruffles you hair on a breezy day. I am the sunlight filling your eyes when you smile.I am here with you all the time my love. I am with you.
Back to Top
Me of We View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 29 Feb 2012
Location: Pennsylvania US
Posts: 43
Post Options Post Options   Quote Me of We Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 May 2012 at 3:38am
Kev,
    Now THAT made me laugh..."count to ten and then hit them". My favorite questions/comments are about whether or not I am "OK" "How are you doing?" or "Are you doing OK?". Though well-meant, could there possibly be thought behind that? It would be mean, but I possibly could count to ten and then maybe reply honestly...Well, I never knew I could possibly feel so horrible. See it was like my husband's heart and mine were joined...you know like siamese twins... and then his heart was RIPPED away from mine which left a gapping hole and intense pain well beyond what I could ever have imagined possible. Nothing is the same. I had a life. Now I have an existance. I just try to get through each day. I am mostly sad, I cry a lot.I try to smile and put up a good face so those who love me won't worry about me. I cling to what I have that reminds me of him. I am trying hard to have hope for the future and for something to make sense. I don't really even have much of a fear of death now. Death has already taken from me in the worse possible way. Yep..I think that all adds up to "OK". My shattered heart still beats and I am still breathing.
How about You...You doing Ok???"...
Anne
Back to Top
sueblue View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 16 Dec 2011
Location: hertfordshire
Posts: 129
Post Options Post Options   Quote sueblue Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 May 2012 at 10:33am
Hello all

yes, Kev, I did know Rosemary Clooney was Georges' aunt.  She appeared in an episode of E.R. with him .  Andrew liked Rosemary Clooney - we watched Holiday Inn more times that I care mention.  I was going to go over to Tesco today but it is raining again.  I set out with the best intentions then I heard Andrew saying 'What's the point in mooching around in the rain?'  So I gave in and came home.  I will go out later on to one of my voluntary shifts.   I joined Facebook and have got in touch with neices, great neices, nephews, ex colleagues and friends.  It has been really good.  I was telling my friend and she said 'Well, I suppose it is a comfort when you are on your own, especially in the Winter' .  Thanks a bundle.  I do not sit up until the wee small hours talking to 'virtual' friends .  I The weekend approacheth , musnt assume it is going to be awful before it has happened.  One of Andrews' sayings was 'Dont be a prisoner of your own mind'.  Very true but when you are a born worrier like me it is hard to change.   Another favourite was John Wayne, I bought Andrew all the DVds I could get, I parted with them when I knew they were going to a housebound person .  I still like the saying from The Duke that I found on the internet.
Courage is being afraid but saddling up anyway. 
Bye for now, keep in touch, please .....

Suex
Back to Top
KevF View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 27 Jun 2007
Posts: 1572
Post Options Post Options   Quote KevF Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 May 2012 at 2:16am
Hi Anne & Sue

My friend was, of course, just joking with his remark (at least I hope he was....lol)

It's always hard to answer the "are you o.k.?" question because I think that all most people really want to hear from you is "yes, I'm fine thank you" so that they can then move onto other things in the conversation.

They're not being unkind - just acting in the way that most of us do each day when we see someone that we know and want to greet them.

Of course some people truly do want to know how you are - and often they are even harder to deal with - because on some days you really don't want to talk about it.

So I tend to be non-committal with people who don't know me very well ("yes, I'm fine thanks") - but with folks I love it's a lot harder  - I feel like I need to be honest with them - but then I feel guilty about maybe ruining their day for them....

Facebook did become something of a crutch for me - I have, in the past, spent inordinate amounts of my time on there. I chat to a lot of the people from the muchloved forum as well as family, friends and total strangers as well.

But it is a good way of keeping in touch with my young nieces and nephews when they are in different parts of the country.

If either of you ladies wants to link up with me on Facebook please feel free - I am still on there a  lot but not nearly as often as I used to be. Just drop me a PM and I'll send you the link to my page.

Jon has also set up a muchloved page on Facebook.

Take care

Kev xx






Edited by KevF - 04 May 2012 at 2:19am
Ne'er weep for me my beloved one. I am the wind that ruffles you hair on a breezy day. I am the sunlight filling your eyes when you smile.I am here with you all the time my love. I am with you.
Back to Top
lynn2 View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 06 Nov 2011
Location: le15 9rs
Posts: 32
Post Options Post Options   Quote lynn2 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 May 2012 at 2:10pm
like u i have my parents saying i sould find someone but i think its too soon and i just get the feeling no one seems to understand why im not bothered about finding someone else i was married to barry for 22 years and he passed away in october last year why cant they just leave me allowen and let me decide who or when i want to see and if im ready i will decide not them  i 2 am getting fed up with it as it is most days they keep saying i miss him so much and i too have photoes of him and i do candles too as i feel hes still here with me and he understands what im going though i just wish people that dont know what u go though when u lose someone u love would just leave u allow to greeve and let u deal with it in your own time and not when they want u too
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply Page  <12

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down

Forum Software by Web Wiz Forums® version 9.73
Copyright ©2001-2011 Web Wiz