Recommended books for the bereaved and those interested in bereavement.
This section outlines recommended books and guides dealing with bereavement that may be of use to the bereaved and anyone supporting a bereaved person. Please contact MuchLoved if you have another book that you would like to recommend along with any comments you have about the book. Many thanks for your support.
Living on the seabed, A memoir of Love, Life and Survival
By Lindsay Nicholson
‘I spent several years on the seabed of despair. You can’t go upwards to the light because you can’t remember ever knowing the light. The only comfort is that you can’t go any lower because there is nowhere else to go. All you can do is crawl around on the ocean floor with thousands of fathoms of water between you and the world where other people live.’
Living on the seabed is the memoir of Lindsay Nicholson who has suffered a double bereavement from leukaemia, firstly her husband John Merritt and then subsequently their first daughter Ellie.
An intimate and stoical account of a family life lived with, and despite, two battles with Leukaemia. The support of particular close friends and family is highlighted as crucial in keeping daily life going but the account is underpinned by remarkable strength not only by Lindsay but also by her younger daughter Hope who was conceived shortly before her husband’s death.
Despite the clearly horrendous backdrop to the account of daily life, this memoir is never self-pitying. It is an inspirational and heart wrenching account.
Next to you, Caron’s Courage Remembered by her Mother
By Gloria Hunniford
The heartfelt story of the life of Caron Keating from the eyes of her bereaved mother and with excerpts from Caron herself, who had started to write detailed notebooks about dealing with cancer.
It is a story of a life, charting Caron’s upbringing in Northern Ireland and her career of journalism and TV Presenting before the diagnosis of the cancer that was to change and then take her life at an early age.
After a first chapter describing the painful events surrounding Caron’s death (‘It wasn’t that my heart was breaking, rather that my soul was shattering’), many of the early chapters concentrates on Caron’s upbringing and life as a whole. These serve as a context for the subsequent account of the testing and tumultuous times after diagnosis and Caron’s feisty and non-orthodox attitude in combating the cancer.
An obviously close and proud mother, Gloria pays tribute to her daughter and you can sense her frustrations that she could not make things better, at not being able to ‘fix it’. ‘It wasn’t that she was iconic, rather that she was an inspiration to a generation’
You’ll Get Over It, The Rage of Bereavement
By Virginia Ironside
‘When one is bereaved, of course it is quite natural to fume at all bereavement books and research, even, or perhaps especially, those that offer any kind of advice or comfort – two of my ‘helpful’ bereavement books actually bear my enraged bite marks chewed into the covers before being flung across the room. Perhaps this book will come in for the same treatment from you’.
The writer Virginia Ironside states that nothing on bereavement can be right for everyone but this well informed yet accessible book stemming from her reaction to becoming bereaved is highly recommended.
Well researched and at times quite academic in nature when compared with purely memoir-style accounts it is nevertheless compelling. I believe this is because the open and down to earth style creates an empathy with the reader so crucial when everyone’s experience is so different, raw and personal. It also draws on many different experiences and so is able to effectively illustrate and explain her many ideas and the complex emotions described within.
Whilst this may sound a rather crass metaphor, reading the book felt the closest thing to a snuggle blanket when alone on a long, cold night; initially a small rag when compared to the enormity of the dark night surrounding, but transforming into an essential comfort. Honest, incisive, frank, yet somehow reassuring.
‘When I spoke to a counsellor who had written a book about loss, we touched on the triteness of the idea that anyone would ever ‘get over’ bereavement. Even the phrase ‘come to terms’ with a loss seemed unacceptable. I thought that ‘living with it’ was about the most you could ask for. She suggested that bereavement can be ‘assimilated’ into people’s lives. Then we both agreed that feelings of bereavement never go away. She laughed. ‘You’re right,’ she said. ‘But of course, in my book I couldn’t say that. It’s not what people want to hear.’ But if she couldn’t say it, I’ll say it instead. I think people do want to hear the truth.’
We need to talk about the Funeral, 101 Practical Ways to Commemorate and Celebrate a Life
By Jane Morrell & Simon Smith
This book is a detailed, practical manual on funeral arrangements to help the bereaved think about their alternatives and consider their preferences and the amount of involvement they might want to have.
It is organised into sections and so at this traumatic time you will not need to attempt to read the whole book, rather you can dip into any sections to access the information you really want and need.
Key areas the book covers are the following:
Visiting the Body, Holding a Vigil, The Range of Coffins, Deciding between Burial and Cremation, Considering the aims of the Funeral Service, When The Family Does Not Agree, Flowers, Candles and Music, Taking the Coffin to the Funeral, The Order of the Ceremony, Giving a eulogy, Committal Words, Lowering the Coffin for a Burial, The wake gathering after the Funeral & Scattering Ashes.
Death…And How to Survive it A Unique, Practical and Uplifting Guide to Coming To Terms With The Loss of your Partner
Written by Kate Boydell who was widowed aged 33 when her husband died of heart failure. It is described as a 'beginner's guide to death' and whilst very clear and practical it is also open, frank and conversational; I would describe it as a 'best friend's guide to death'. I say ‘best friend’s’ guide as it lets you know in plain but precise language what you need to know, whether you like it or not.
There is also a friendship, strength and a sense of dark but real humour even in the bleakest of messages: ‘When death hits you, it hits you hard. But the beating does not take long. It takes only a second for you to be reduced from a normal, happy individual to a bloody, senseless pulp.’
Whilst the focus of the book is the period after bereavement, there are also later chapters looking at trying to recover life with tips on subjects such as holidays and socialising. There is a strong sense of practical advice throughout and a focus on how and why loss affects us in all areas of ‘normal’ life: ‘I felt physically ill when I went round the supermarket for the first time. I didn’t want to buy a small bag of potatoes – I wanted a big bag, for us all to enjoy. I didn’t want to buy only three carrots and a small lettuce – I wanted lots of food; food that used to keep Charlie healthy and happy, only he wasn’t healthy any more.’
The book is much more than a series of tips and reminiscences however. It successfully combines mixing some deeply difficult topics with more practical ones, such as a menu for oxtail soup! Maybe this is the key to the book, that grief is difficult, that it is all pervasive and must, and should be, part of the daily mix of chores and activities. To survive death you can not put it aside and deal with it separately, you must live it.
Kate also has a popular survival guide at
www.merrywidow.me.uk.
On Grief and Grieving - Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss
By Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler
The authors speak with a certain authority stemming from their many years working in the hospice and bereavement environments and follows on from a number of other books including ‘On Death and Dying' in which Elisabeth identified the five stages of bereavement.
This last book, all the more poignant as Elisabeth is near death, looks to go beyond simply knowing the stages and to understand the life lived as well as the life lost – ‘It’s not just about knowing the stages’. After revisiting the stages, there is an assessment of the impact of grief on a whole range of outlets including internal expressions (such as regrets, dreams, secrets and control) as well as external ones (such as clothes, sex, holidays and finances).
The book is backed up by numerous examples and exudes a great belief in the power of grief, that it must be fully experienced to provide the healing. It is also underpinned by a belief in transition at death, ‘It’s like putting away your winter coat when spring comes’. In the final chapters there is also an insight from the authors into their own grief. David recalls the death of his mother whilst he was a child and how it was never really dealt with, ‘I knew this was not how death was supposed to be’. Elisabeth recalls how the repression of grief as a child was triggered by an incident almost four decades later and her profound desire to help people choose a more direct method to heal their grief.
An educational, clear and confident book, undoubtedly of benefit to anyone looking to understand bereavement and the intricate connection between grief and healing.
Do Not Go Gentle, poems for funerals
Edited by Neil Astley
A collection of poems for the bereaved including some of the well known traditional poems as well as a selection of powerful contemporary ones. The poems include ‘Funeral Blues’ by WH Auden and ‘Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night’ by Dylan Thomas.
A selection to read if looking for inspiration for a funeral poem, or just inspiration.
How to Survive the Loss of a Love
By Harold Bloomfield, Melba Colgrove & Peter McWilliams
A self-help style guide to guiding you through the loss of a love, from understanding and surviving through to healing and growing. It encompasses all loss (not just bereavement) and is very action based and definitive. ‘Do that’, ‘Don’t do that’, ‘Say out Loud’, ‘Praise Yourself’.
I felt that read at the wrong time it will be a book you will throw in the bin….but at the right time and to the right people will be your best friend. A small book that you might keep on you at all times.
There are ninety-four steps outlined and each has a poem connected. The best way to let you know more is to give an example of one of the points: Nineteen: Touching and Hugging The healing power of touch cannot be overestimated If someone asks “What can I do?” perhaps all you need to say is, “Hold my Hand” or “Give me a hug.” Get three hugs a day for survival, five for maintenance and eight or more for growth. When others are not available to hug you – hug yourself. GO ahead. It feels Good. One touch is worth ten thousand words.
Dear Charlie, Letters to a Lost Daughter
By Reg Thompson
This is a collection of letters from a bereaved father to his lost daughter Charlie, killed in an accident at a train station in December 2005. Raw and personal, this book is an outpouring of love in letters not originally meant for publication.
Her father starts writing only a few weeks after her death and the letters span a period of just over 7months, providing a staggeringly moving account of his disbelief and grief. The letters are intimate, beautifully moving and often desperate all at the same time. As a reader you feel privileged to be allowed such an insight into his heart; although a stranger to his and their pain, being treated almost as a confidante. At times I had to pause, put the book down and take a deep breath, and then start reading again.
If I had one thought in my mind throughout it was ‘So this is Grief.’ Any reader will I know thank him for allowing these letters to be published. ‘Somebody said that one day I will smile when I think of you. Now I grit my teeth to stop myself from screaming.’
Grief Encounter Workbook
Written by Shelley Gilbert
This is a workbook to encourage conversations about loss between children and adults and is aimed at helping bereaved children between the ages of 8 and 15 primarily. It is recommended that the book is given to the child/young person a few months after the bereavement and that there is initial assistance from an adult family member or a professional.
The workbook aims to do a number of things including encouraging the sharing of feelings in a safe way and to make sense of some of the confusion and pain. In essence to give the child permission to grieve.
“It is such an accessible book and so suitable for children to sit down with someone and work through such a range of exercises that can be used to explore many issues surrounding loss” Parent of bereaved child who used book.
You can find out more and order the workbook from www.griefencounter.org.uk
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